Lesson 6: The Domain of Speaking
Let’s start with a quiz:
Question: Which statement is most true?
- The words you use impact how others see you
- The words you use impact how you see yourself
- The words you use impact how others see you and how you see yourself.
Answer: c. The words you use impact how others see you AND how you see yourself.
For example, if someone describes the Covid pandemic as being ‘a huge struggle’ or ‘a battle to deal with’, it tells us something about that person and they way they think and view the world. On the other hand, if someone describes the pandemic as ‘a challenge’ or ‘something that required them to be ‘creative and adaptable’ you would draw a different conclusion about that person and the way they view the world.
But, not only do the words you use impact the way those who listen to you, they impact YOU and how confident you feel and come across to others. If you describe a situation as a ‘struggle’ and ‘a battle’ that will impact the way you feel about that situation. Changing the words you use can literally begin to shift the way you feel about situations and about yourself. This then impacts your mood, body and listening – in other words your Way of Being – which in turn will impact how others see you above the surface.
“The words you use become the house you live in”
Hafiz
Case Study: Guilty to Grateful
I worked with a client who described her own experience with Covid over the last year as feeling ‘guilty’. The whole experience had not been bad for her, yet she was aware that it had been an extremely trying time for some and was feeling guilty. As she used this word it said something about her, and as if to mirror the word, her tone of her voice and posture also appeared guilty and deflated. She didn’t give an impression of confidence or conviction.
Case Study: Curious not judgmental
I was about to get on a Zoom call and share some plans I had come up with for a group I was leading. I then noticed I was feeling anxious and my body was tense. I realized I had a conversation in my head was saying that the group were going to judge me and ask lots of questions and possibly even reject my ideas.
I paused to think about my thoughts and decided instead that I could think of the group as being curious about my ideas. They may not accept my suggestions right away and they may ask questions, but that was about being ‘curious’ not ’ judgmental’.
Once I had that in my head, I could relax my body, and my mood became more relaxed.
We played around with the words, looking for a more positive way to describe her feelings. After a while she tried using ‘grateful’ rather than ‘guilty’. This shifted things for her, she was then able to see that while understanding that others had had a hard time, she could feel grateful for her own experience. She even began to see how she could help others. As she used the new language, her whole being shifted to speaking with clarity, confidence and conviction!
Strategy – Speaking
Notice and experiment with the words you use. Make note of how changing a word(s) makes you feel and how others respond to it. Everyone is different and you’ll need to do your own experimenting to find something that works for you.
Here are some examples to get you started:
Instead of this……. | Try this….. |
I’m not a good communicator | I’m still learning to communicate I’m working on my communication skills I’m making progress and I’ve still got things to learn |
I can’t do this…… | I can’t do this yet |
I’m really angry about…… | I’m feeling very frustrated about… |
He’s a difficult person | He’s an interesting person He stretches my skills He provides opportunities for me to practice my communication skills |
This is a huge problem | This is a set back and I need to think about how to deal with this |
This is too difficult | This is a challenge I need to work out |
I’m not looking forward to the changes at work | The changes at work are going to provide a real opportunity for me to learn to be adaptable |