Lesson 7: The Domain of Listening

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

—Stephen R. Covey, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

Listening is intricately connected with your speaking. You can only speak based on how you listen. Yet you may be completely unaware of how you are actually listening – or even what you are listening to.

In a previous lesson I introduced the idea that as you listen to any one person, there will be another conversation going on in your head. (we all experience this all the time) And often the conversation in your own head is louder and has more impact on your ability to speak than the conversation with the other person.

Consider this: you are in a meeting at work and people are speaking and adding to the conversation. You listen, but also have a conversation in your own head that is saying:

“Oh no, I have nothing valuable to contribute, everyone else has such good points and I cant think of anything to say…. and now I look silly for not saying anything’. And now I really cant think of anything to say!”

And that conversation in your head gets even louder.

Or, others are speaking and an idea pops into your head. You get really excited about it and are dying to share your idea. As others speak all you can hear is your own voice relaying your own idea in your head. You then listen to yourself and not to the other person.

Or, someone is sharing an idea /opinion and you think ‘that’s ridiculous’ I can’t believe this person is saying this, I have to set him/her right. And as the conversation goes on, you completely stop listening to the other person and start listening to yourself as you formulate your own counter argument.

And it might not be exactly those conversations, but there are always conversations going on that impact us.